I Will Not Be Moved

You often hear Christians talk about getting out of their comfort zone.  So often it's just cheap talk that we say and it makes us feel better about the life we are living.  The idea of living outside our comfort zone seems to thrill us and yet at the same time we don't make much of an effort to go there. Sure we might make an extra effort now and then to talk or be extra kind to someone we wouldn't normally talk to, then we pat ourselves on the back and go on with our comfortable lives, in our homes with the friends that have always been in our lives, to the church on Sunday where we knew all the faces, to the grocery store and bank where we can chat with those we have known all our lives....at least that's the world I lived in.

Until I stepped out in a big way and followed the path that God was leading me on.  I don't know if I ever realized the cost that I would pay...or the comfort I was leaving behind.  But I knew what God wanted me to say and I tried to do it kindly and with love.  I know that I made mistakes but I know that God is bigger than me and my mistakes and that He has promised to use it all for His Good.

My comfort zone is gone (actually I feel it was ripped away) and over the last several years I haven't always been very happy about it. I have challenged what has transpired and deep down I know that I did what God asked and if in that position would do it again...with a few tweeks, cause we aren't learning if we repeat those same mistakes. But that hasn't stopped me from being angry at God for the results.  In my humanness I hoped for a better outcome.  It also, hasn't been just that one incident.  It seems that God wanted to strip every comfort from me as there have been struggles in other areas of life too that have caused greater discomfort.

You have to realize, that I am a "small town girl" at heart.  I grew up here and moved back here with my husband, who also grew up here.  I could never see myself leaving.  I was going to go to church, send my kids to school and grow old here. My feet were planted. But, my comfort zone has been so shredded that if it weren't for my children, who don't want to move, I would have picked up the pieces of my broken heart and moved.  Moved on from this comfort off on a new adventure (or at least I tell myself it would be an adventure).  I have often felt so alone that I don't think it would matter if I moved to place where I knew no one.  

At times, I know that I have had my own little pity party and have plugged my ears in a tantrum when my Heavenly Father wanted to wrap His arms around me.  Why?  Because, I'm stubborn.  Aren't you?  When someone let's me down or hurts me that's what I do.  I become stubborn, and act like I don't want to talk to them or be with them anymore...that's what I do.  I know, it's silly, but I love and trust so deeply that when that trust is broken I tend to hold everything or everyone at arms length.  It's my protection.  My shell to keep it from happening again.  And that's what I did with God.  I love God with all my heart, that hasn't changed...but that doesn't mean I haven't held him at arms lengths in the last years.

Yesterday, I was flipping through radio stations, and as God so often does, He touched me through this song.  Through all the heartache, betrayals, discomfort, changes, mistakes, bitterness (yes, I have to admit that it's been there too), doubts, scores kept and bad attitudes.  Through all the blessings that I am starting to see.  God has been there.  He has been solid.  And even when my arms and heart have held Him far from me.  He's there and I haven't been moved.  Changed, forgiven, filled with His grace. And still standing here on the Solid Rock.

"I Will Not Be Moved"

I have been the wayward child

I have acted out

I have questioned sovereignty

and had my share of doubts

And though sometimes my prayers feel like they're bouncing off the sky

The hand I hold won't let me go

and is the reason why...

I will stumble, I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart many times before

My life has been like broken glass, and I have kept the score

of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed

that I was far too gone

My brokenness helped me to see it's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble, I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

I will not be moved.

And the chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn

And though I have been torn

I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

I will not be moved

Another Little Girl

It all started last May 2008 when we were asked if we would be willing to take in a little girl for a couple of months. Wanda & Wally's nieces needed a home. Would we be willing to take the youngest one at 8 months old?


This was not an easy decision. Could Cam handle dealing with another child or would he fall into a depression that he was just beginning to come out of? Could our kids handle having a new little girl in their lives and then having to let her go in a couple of months? Could I handle that? Was this too quick? Shouldn't we pray about this longer? What did God want from us? Often, His ways are not ours and so even if it seemed impossible, maybe, just maybe, it was what He wanted us to do? If so, He would fill in all the details and solve all the problems, wouldn't He?


I was praying that God would show me what He wanted us to do. And I felt that if Cam actually said "yes" than that was our answer. Surprisingly enough, he did! So after 3 days (from the time we heard about her till she arrived in our home) we welcomed Janae St.Paul into our lives.


The first couple of days were overwhelming to say the least. I had no time to prepare and had just finished selling all of our baby stuff, including our crib. So, I unpacked the playpen and tried to clean up Chenoa's room enough to make a space for Janae. Janae showed up with a box of mismatched, too small, too big clothes and a couple of diapers. To make matters worse, Cam was not around at all for the next 3 days so I was alone with 4 kids and a big adjustment. It's amazing how quickly you forget what to do with an 8-month old. What do they eat? What do the drink? When do they sleep? When you have your own child you grow with them and go through all the steps together. Now I was just thrown into the middle and had to figure this all out. What had we done?

Things started settling out and we went through the next couple of months only to find out that the girl's (Janae and Jamie who was living with Terry Dowse) would not be going back to mom as quickly as first anticipated. So we were in it for the long haul. We couldn't abandon this little girl to a different home and promised to keep her with us until a permanent home could be found. What a rollercoaster this turned out to be.


Over the course of the next several months we watched this little baby grow into a wonderful toddler. Janae was always so happy and easygoing. She loved playing with the kids and tried to keep up with everything they were doing. She quickly worked her way into our home and our hearts. How would we ever be able to let her go now?


Summer came and with summer came the decision to put the girls into a permanent home. Terry and us had come up with some suggestions of homes here in Niverville that we thought would be good places for the girls to live. CFS had other plans. After being strung a line we were told that the girls would be moved to Richer to a home with a single mom and a toddler. Wow...this was not what we had been hoping for for these girls. Not that a single mom can't do it, but why when there are other homes with 2 parents would they do that to the girls? Not only that, but why Richer when there were homes here in Niverville where they could remain in daycare and have contact with the only family they know? None of this made any sense and it put Terry and us into turmoil. One of the stipulations of the permanent placement was that the girls had to stay together. Terry and us were able/willing to take both of the girls but at the same time we just couldn't let them go. I felt so completely confused. On one hand I felt so guilty for not being able/willing to take these girls into our home when we have been blessed with so much. And on the other hand I just knew that it was not in the best interests of my family to do that. I didn't know where to leave my thoughts. Maybe God was stretching us. Or maybe He was just telling us to FIGHT!


So I literally got on my knees one afternoon and prayed. I gave back to God the entire situation. From the beginning I said that I was going to trust God to work things out at the end and now it was time to put those words into action. I prayed and trusted that God was going to work everything out for Janae and Jamie and reminded myself that he loves these girls more than I ever could.


So Terry and I got on the phone with Child Advocate and started to fight for these girls. We got together several letters from various people involved with the girls explaining our reasons for not wanting the girls to go where CFS was planning to place them. This just could not be in the best interest of the girls. We gave CFS 3 homes that were willing to take the girls permanently.


A couple of days after we sent out our letters, Michelle & Cory got a phone call from CFS that they would like them to come in for an interview! That CFS had "decided" to place other kids in the home in Richer and they were now looking for a place for Janae & Jamie. Prayer Answer #1: The girls were no longer on their way to Richer.

The next week after the interview CFS let us know that the girls were going to move to Cory & Michelle's. Prayer Answer #2: A good, loving home was found for the girls.

The girls would now be our nieces which made this so much easier on our children who were so worried that they would never see Janae again. No instead of a sister they were going to have 2 cousins!! Prayer Answer #3: Janae could remain a part of our lives.

On Sept. 20th we moved Janae and all her things to her new house. I was amazed at how strong I felt. I didn't know what to expect as that day drew closer. A part of me was glad this chapter in our life was drawing to a close but at the same time I didn't know how my heart would handle letting her go. I had run the gamut of emotions and thoughts ranging from: Can anyone do a good enough job in caring for her? to What will I do with so much more time?. Guilt to Freedom. All this had been running through my head and my heart over that last month. And as that day drew closer the peace I felt and still feel over this situation I know only came from God. I have loved that little girl with all I could and I still love her. But she's not mine and she was never intended to be mine. I knew that from the start and I feel it just as strongly today. My job was to take care of her, love her, for a time. Prayer Answer #4: God was faithful right from the start...even during the times were I felt so totally out of control, so totally incapable of surviving and keeping my heart intact. But He did it! He carried me through and has given me the opportunity to love Janae as my daughter and to continue to love her as my niece!

I Love you Lord!!

"For Such A Time as This..."