Ladies Fargo Weekend

(written in September 2014)

As I write today I am relaxing on my bed in our hotel room after spending 2 days with people I have just met.

Last weekend at church there we women signing up last minute for the retreat this weekend. A new acquaintance at church said she was going and that I should come. Cam too insisted that I should go so after the service I signed up. On Sunday when I decided to go I knew that I didn't really know anyone but I wasn't worried. 

Tuesday came and one of the ladies called me to figure out the ride and I lost it. I have never struggled with anxiety but I did that night. I called the lady back and told her I had changed my mind. I wasn't going to go. I was panicky and in tears not knowing what to do. I felt like I should go but was completely terrified of being with all those complete strangers and every other excuse I could think of ran through my mind. 

I called my good friend and we talked through many things and she prayed with me. I know that much of my anxiety had to do with putting myself in a place where I had to be vulnerable with people and I wasn't sure I was ready for it. At the same time I hunger for the community I used to have and I know that the only way to get that is to be vulnerable and get to know new people. 

So I set my mind and called the lady back and said I would go. 

The rest of the week, as anxiety built up, I managed to work my way through it and soon Friday was there. 

I was packed and ready when my ride showed up and I convinced myself to climb in and go. 

The ladies have been good and I have had a pretty good time. At times I wished I had stayed home but there have been a lot of good moments too. 

God is working on me.  My heart has been hurt and my spirit has been damaged. Bitterness and unforgiveness have become a problem for me. I am angry, not really at any individuals but with the situation and where I think God failed me. When I thought, and still feel, like I did the right thing, nothing worked out the way I thought it would. I'm angry that people didn't respond they way I hoped. I'm angry that all my comfortable community was torn from me. I'm angry that in my little home town I feel so poorly treated. I'm angry that people who claimed to love and respect me were so easily swayed to distrust me and believe things without giving me the chance to share my heart. I'm angry at the willingness of people to be so two-faced. And I'm angry at God for allowing it all to happen. 

This anger and bitterness has caused me to become someone that I don't like. I find myself being mistrusting of everyone. Being negative about the decisions people make, not trusting that there isn't a hidden agenda. Being judgemental of their words, not trusting that if forced to be in a position where their actions will show their true hearts that they will match up with what they said. Being cynical in every situation. Complaining anytime and every time I feel that I (or my family) am possibly being mistreated, unappreciated or overlooked. 

And that's not who I want to be. That person is not beautiful on the inside in any way. 

I think that slowly healing has been happening and I am getting ready for God to do more of that healing and refining in me and that Satan knows that and he caused me to panic. Because he knows that if he can place those seeds of anxiety he could have kept me from coming and being in a place where God can work. 

Maybe it's not the most fun weekend I've ever had but maybe God needed me here to just be willing to allow Him back in. 

Self pity and entitlement are so closely linked. 

Negative thoughts create negative people who can't see good in anything. I complain about everything and in everything. It's time to get back to being the positive me that I used to be...

...but I don't know how to get there..

I Will Not Be Moved

You often hear Christians talk about getting out of their comfort zone.  So often it's just cheap talk that we say and it makes us feel better about the life we are living.  The idea of living outside our comfort zone seems to thrill us and yet at the same time we don't make much of an effort to go there. Sure we might make an extra effort now and then to talk or be extra kind to someone we wouldn't normally talk to, then we pat ourselves on the back and go on with our comfortable lives, in our homes with the friends that have always been in our lives, to the church on Sunday where we knew all the faces, to the grocery store and bank where we can chat with those we have known all our lives....at least that's the world I lived in.

Until I stepped out in a big way and followed the path that God was leading me on.  I don't know if I ever realized the cost that I would pay...or the comfort I was leaving behind.  But I knew what God wanted me to say and I tried to do it kindly and with love.  I know that I made mistakes but I know that God is bigger than me and my mistakes and that He has promised to use it all for His Good.

My comfort zone is gone (actually I feel it was ripped away) and over the last several years I haven't always been very happy about it. I have challenged what has transpired and deep down I know that I did what God asked and if in that position would do it again...with a few tweeks, cause we aren't learning if we repeat those same mistakes. But that hasn't stopped me from being angry at God for the results.  In my humanness I hoped for a better outcome.  It also, hasn't been just that one incident.  It seems that God wanted to strip every comfort from me as there have been struggles in other areas of life too that have caused greater discomfort.

You have to realize, that I am a "small town girl" at heart.  I grew up here and moved back here with my husband, who also grew up here.  I could never see myself leaving.  I was going to go to church, send my kids to school and grow old here. My feet were planted. But, my comfort zone has been so shredded that if it weren't for my children, who don't want to move, I would have picked up the pieces of my broken heart and moved.  Moved on from this comfort off on a new adventure (or at least I tell myself it would be an adventure).  I have often felt so alone that I don't think it would matter if I moved to place where I knew no one.  

At times, I know that I have had my own little pity party and have plugged my ears in a tantrum when my Heavenly Father wanted to wrap His arms around me.  Why?  Because, I'm stubborn.  Aren't you?  When someone let's me down or hurts me that's what I do.  I become stubborn, and act like I don't want to talk to them or be with them anymore...that's what I do.  I know, it's silly, but I love and trust so deeply that when that trust is broken I tend to hold everything or everyone at arms length.  It's my protection.  My shell to keep it from happening again.  And that's what I did with God.  I love God with all my heart, that hasn't changed...but that doesn't mean I haven't held him at arms lengths in the last years.

Yesterday, I was flipping through radio stations, and as God so often does, He touched me through this song.  Through all the heartache, betrayals, discomfort, changes, mistakes, bitterness (yes, I have to admit that it's been there too), doubts, scores kept and bad attitudes.  Through all the blessings that I am starting to see.  God has been there.  He has been solid.  And even when my arms and heart have held Him far from me.  He's there and I haven't been moved.  Changed, forgiven, filled with His grace. And still standing here on the Solid Rock.

"I Will Not Be Moved"

I have been the wayward child

I have acted out

I have questioned sovereignty

and had my share of doubts

And though sometimes my prayers feel like they're bouncing off the sky

The hand I hold won't let me go

and is the reason why...

I will stumble, I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart many times before

My life has been like broken glass, and I have kept the score

of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed

that I was far too gone

My brokenness helped me to see it's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble, I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

I will not be moved.

And the chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn

And though I have been torn

I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

I will not be moved